JOKES

Adam and Eve

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "Don't be ridiculous," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What are you doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs."

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Computers are Like Men...

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  
• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
  
• They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
  

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  
• You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
  

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." 

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?

"God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.